![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
back home blues
Aug. 27th, 2009 12:18 amI've been back in America for a few days now, 5 days I guess, it's sort of hard to count when I have this total mental disconnect. I don't WANT to be here... as much as I wanted to be out of Japan I'm starting to realize that home was not the place I wanted to end up. Getting my brain to register that I don't live in Japan anymore is harder than it sounds. I'm having really horrible reverse culture shock.
I don't want to leave my house, because I don't want to interact with people. I barely want to interact with people online anymore. There are a few people that I really WANT to talk to because they make me feel better, but their own lives and what have you are keeping them busier now and it's making my feeling of disconnect worse. I don't blame them, it's not like they were put here just to make me feel better. But I can't stop the feeling of vague hurt when I find myself sitting and staring at nothing because one of the 5 or so people I actually feel close to are nowhere to be found.
Of course, all this will pass. Eventually I have to get a job and a real life. But for now I can't even turn on the TV without feeling like too much has changed in the last 2 years for me to catch up.
The long and short is that I just want to curl up into a ball and cry endlessly, but I'm forcing myself to do a little more. God I hope this feeling goes away soon... because it's increasingly difficult to live this way.
I don't want to leave my house, because I don't want to interact with people. I barely want to interact with people online anymore. There are a few people that I really WANT to talk to because they make me feel better, but their own lives and what have you are keeping them busier now and it's making my feeling of disconnect worse. I don't blame them, it's not like they were put here just to make me feel better. But I can't stop the feeling of vague hurt when I find myself sitting and staring at nothing because one of the 5 or so people I actually feel close to are nowhere to be found.
Of course, all this will pass. Eventually I have to get a job and a real life. But for now I can't even turn on the TV without feeling like too much has changed in the last 2 years for me to catch up.
The long and short is that I just want to curl up into a ball and cry endlessly, but I'm forcing myself to do a little more. God I hope this feeling goes away soon... because it's increasingly difficult to live this way.